Time heals all wounds, It really does!! If you would have asked me four months ago where I saw my life going, I would have had a completely different answer then I do right now. The question is what happens when you don’t have time, what do you do then? Ideally when you go through a breakup you would delete their number, have no contact with them, and give yourself time to heal. When you have children with that person, you don’t have that option!! So here I am faced with the cruel reality that I really have to be friends with this person. How do you put aside all the angry, hurt and disappointment?
For me, it’s almost like childbirth. You have no choice, really there is no option!! These are your babies, the most important things in the world they need to be ok and see that you are ok! Kids see and hear everything you do, even if you don’t think they are listening. They learn from you, they look up to you and there is no way in hell that I want my children to have any feeling except love towards their dad. When you find yourself having to fight back the urge to talk bad about an ex in front of you children, you really need to step back and get your priorities in check. Things aren’t always about you, you are grown! You have made decisions that brought you to where you are and your children had no choice but come along for the ride.
When I watched this video the other day, I knew what my next post would be about. This hurts my heart so much, but it’s true. Do what you want on your own time, but don’t let your bad choices effect your children life!!
I am far from an expert, and still learning the right things to do to make being friends with my Ex easy. If we are being completely honest the fact that he lives so far away now, may have been the biggest factor in allowing me to get to where I am currently. Here are a few things that have been working well for me:
- Stop talking negatively and thinking poorly about them, even if you don’t say the words but think them your body language will show what you are thinking. You may be saying “oh it was really good to see you” while your thinking “I want to get in my car and run you over.” Let your brain rest, thinking about things over and over will get you nowhere. It won’t changed what has happened and it wont make you feel better.
- Be truthful and honest with your intentions. If you are going to see each other so the kids can visit, make sure that’s what you are doing. Do not go with the intentions of spending time talking about your relationship. It’s about the children, make your own time for your issues.
- Stop talking about your relationship!! Really, at this point you have probably talked it into the ground. Talking doesn’t really help, you have got to this point because of actions and bad choices. Your relationship will never be the same stop talking about what it was, and make your new relationship as friends a healthy one.
- Set boundaries and keep them! We will meet for this long at this place, or you can come here and be with the children while I go do something else. Things are different, you can’t just let yourself fall back into a routine like nothing has changed, or you will end up back at square one. (For me it was the bottom of a shower, listening to ‘Water Runs Dry’ by BoysIIMen)
- Do not pump your children for information!!! If you leave your kids with your ex, listen to what they want to tell you about the visit and leave it at that. Do not put the children in the middle, if they want to open up to you they will. They should not be your form of finding out what your ex is doing, don’t confuse them.
- The less you know the better. At first I wanted to know everything he was doing and worried constantly. That did no good, and I was unable to heal. If they want you to know something they will tell you, and if they don’t want to tell you, you probable don’t want to know.
- Be Friends!! There obviously is something you like about this person, find those things and focus on that. I mean you were in a relationship with them for some reason!
Above all don’t be selfish, you may have broken up but you have to have a relationship with this person. Why would you chose to be ugly and hateful for the rest of your life, why not be pleasant and get through it. If you can’t be pleasant then stop by McDonald’s before you meet every time, buy a BigMac and stuff your negative little face so you won’t be rude in front of your children!
I’m nice, like too nice. Sometimes almost to the point to where I make myself sick nice. Although, due to my current situation, I’m changing. I’m learning my worth and after being used and hurt so much recently, I don’t trust everyone anymore. Realizing not everyone is genuine sucks!! Really it does, especially when you are hurt and down all you really want is somebody to be honest and real with you. People suck- make them jump through your hoops to prove to you they are worthy. Learn to trust you gut, and learn to be your own person. As I write this it’s still kind of like I’m giving myself a motivational speech, I’m still learning and processing it all!! Go Team Liz!!!
I recently was thinking why in the hell did it take me this long to realize these things? Why did it take me being brought to my lowest point for me to realize being nice isn’t always the answer? I was blinded by hope and dreams of change. Well, I got change that’s for sure!! Don’t be blinded by anything. The truth is always right there, don’t overlook it your entire life. If it feels wrong, it probably is wrong. Do something to change it, or it won’t change ever! People will only do things to you if you let them, if they don’t know better then they won’t be better!!
So in honor of making changes and being stronger, let me leave you with a short list of times it has actually paid off to be too nice:
- He never expected me to have the guts to come back and repack the entire house and move it home in less then 24 hours. I’m nobody’s personal packer and mover I moved our lives there and I just as easily moved our lives back.
- If I wasn’t so nice I would have allowed myself to track down and not so nicely confronted the “other woman,” but that’s not my style. I am glad I didn’t because I learned so much more befriending her rather then beheading her.
- People don’t turn their back on you when you are nice, so many people reached out to me and offered help and support when I needed it. I love you all!! I also have so many opportunities in my life right now simple because I have not burned bridges.
- It’s easier to pull pranks on people who aren’t nice when you are nice, they never see it coming! Without going into detail I would just like to send a shout out to all the disgusting guys who thought they could swoop in when a girl is hurting, maybe they will think twice next time.
So here’s to finding a balance between being nice and being taken advantage of. Knowing it’s never too late to make changes, and realizing who is true and who isn’t. To new beginnings and closing old doors.
Life is crazy. Usually for me it has always been like a “haha” crazy, but not recently. I usually try and handle each situation gracefully and calmly… I said usually to all my family members reading!! Give me a break!! I will admit 100% that the way I handled the past few months was not graceful at all- in fact I am sure I will eventually try and deny some of the ways I handled myself. I plan to spare you some of the details so you all don’t look at me differently if you ever see me in public. I have debated writing this. I’ve considered deleting my blog all together. Heck, I’ve tried to disappear- ask some of my friends. Then I realized, why not?! Why not share with the world what I have learned from what I like to call The Summer from Hell?? Maybe it will help somebody, or maybe it won’t help anyone. It may just make them come back to read more of my ridiculous journey. So sit back and be prepared to possibly learn how not to handle certain situations, and how not to be graceful when life throws you for a loop.
My life was on track and I had moved into a beautiful house unpacked and set up our new home in less then three days. Life was good, and the town was beautiful. Until IT happened. Words were said that I will never forget as long as I live “I don’t love you anymore” and just like that your entire world comes crashing down on you. Then you realize it’s not just your world, it’s your four daughters worlds also. Here’s where the not being graceful part comes in, and I honestly don’t think I would have been able to handle it any other way. The first reaction your mind has is no this isn’t happening. You deny it and try to go on with your life, which is kinda hard to do when the other person isn’t in denial and has every intention to leave and not look back. I like to tell myself since my children were actually not with me at the time, I allowed myself to not be graceful. I begged, and I am not sure there is anyway to beg that isn’t outrageous and ugly.
Now here is the person I have been with for 12 years in front of me, I know what to say to make him rethink his actions and to reason with him. Nothing was working, there was no emotion coming from the man I had loved for years. That’s when it hit me, when I knew this isn’t going to be good. Anyone in a relationship knows that there is always that certain memory, or certain tone you can take to let your spouse know you are serious. I used them all, and as I sat there crying he walked out the door. Alone in my new home where I had only been in for two weeks, I was forced to make the hardest decision of my life. I left.
I came home to where my babies were visiting their grandmother, and a week later I went back packed up my house and moved it all back to my hometown and into the house where we raised my children. That’s an important part of my process, because everything in the house holds a memory. For the first month those memories were more like knives stabbing my heart each time my mind decided to make me relive them. Basically at this point, your mind is in charge and has a life of it’s own, whenever it wants to replay your wedding, it does. If it feels like reminding you of the time everyone was in the bathroom washing the dogs laughing and joking, it will. Or if it just wants you to constantly wonder what your husband is doing without you, it will. Your mind will be your worst enemy, no matter how hard you try it will kick you when you are down. It goes away, as you become stronger and you are able to push those thoughts out of your mind eventually your brain gets the hint and lets you have peace.
Lets just go ahead and be honest, I’ll throw out there what works and doesn’t work:
- Crying in the shower helps! You have to cry, your entire life was just forever changed. You have to mourn the life you once had because once you realize it will never be the same, you can start to heal.
- Not eating does not help!! Sure when you start to feel better and you actually care to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that you lost 20 pounds in a month, you may feel good. Just know there is such thing as being skinny fat, trust me. You can lose all the weight you want but you are not in shape, no seriously you’re still out of shape! So you might as well eat your going to need to go to the gym no matter what.
- Eating works!! It keeps your body functioning, and honestly tell me the last time you at ice cream and didn’t feel a little bit better?? You have to eat!
- Throwing up does not work! I will never forget puking while my poor pregnant sister in law held my hair, totally should have been the other way around. I love her!! Throwing up only makes more messes for you to clean, skip that you’ve already got enough on your plate.
- Music….well that’s a hard one. The first month it did not help, every song sent me into a crying fit. Like not a cute cry either, the ugly you ain’t never going to get a boyfriend if you looked that way forever cry! After the first month, music was my best friend when my best friends actually felt like they could leave me side. I love them also!!
- Time heals everything!! Seriously if I could have slept through the first month I would have. By the one month mark, I was able to function. Do not make rash decisions until you give yourself time to process it all!
- Doing different things helps! Do something you have never done before that way your jerk of a brain won’t have anything to rub in your face.
- Talk to a professional at least once. I went once and it helped although I still think I would be OK even if I didn’t go because there is no other option then to be OK!
- Changing your hair. This will happen!! When you get the sudden urge to cut or color your hair, high five yourself and then go shower because you are ready to get dressed!
I am so lucky I was surrounded by so many people that were so willing to help me and be with me. Some people wonder why I came home and why I didn’t stay there. I knew coming home I would have such an amazing support group that there was no way I wasn’t going to be OK. No matter what the situation do what ever you can to surround yourself with people who are going to support you. I can tell you there are days where I’m not sure what I would have done if I didn’t have two of the most amazing friends I could ever ask for.
It’s important to listen to what people tell you, but in the end you have to do whatever your heart tells you to do. If you don’t make your own decisions then you will constantly be left wondering what would have happened if you did. I didn’t even make the right decisions sometimes, but I learned so much more from making the wrong decisions. I let myself get hurt over and over, then I learned. I do not regret those decisions because now nothing will stop me from obtaining my goals! I’m stronger from being knocked down so many times, and I have learned not to trust so easily. Everything happens for a reason, and no matter the outcome of this, I will never be that person I was before and that’s OK with me.
Since I allowed myself to have my heartbroken not once but three times, I’m kinda a pro. There are basically five steps to the process, the third time I remember telling somebody I’m just going through the steps leave me alone!
Five Steps to Dealing with A Broken Heart:
- Denial: You don’t want to believe this is really happening to you, you try and continue like life is normal. Or you pretend you are OK, like what just happened is no big deal.
- You get Angry: It took me awhile for this one to hit me, each time I reacted differently. I am not an angry person but I did hit a wall, and say a few curse words (pick your jaw up!!) Luckily this stage was short for me, I mean I could have got really crazy and broke something!!
- Desperation: You get desperate, and don’t want to deal with change. You beg, you make promises that you don’t mean, and basically you act a fool. Not cute no matter who you are.
- Depression: Nobody will ever take his place, why should I go on. I blamed myself even though non of this was my fault, and for a minute I really believed it. Depression is ugly and if you find yourself stuck in this stage for too long please get help!!
- Acceptance: OMG!!! Flowers still smell good, life is still going to happen. You can feel emotions again and you get excited for what is to come. Memories don’t hurt so bad and you can’t wait to leave the house and see what today will bring!!
As if all this wasn’t way more then I was prepared to handle, lets not forget the most important part of it all my babies. For me this part is cut and dry, although as time goes on I am learning that the issues for them weren’t in the beginning but are coming now that things are really hitting them. No matter what, I never spoke bad about their father in front of them or at all really. I am sure there are a few times where I was low and cursed him, but I’m not one to be mean and probably ended up apologizing. My girls can talk to, see, or ask about him whenever they want! It’s that simple- all questions are answered by me and if I don’t have and answer they will call and ask him. For now this is working. Our lives are so busy that seldom does anyone have time to sit and be sad. I am not dumb enough to think they won’t one day wake up and realize daddy isn’t going to come back home and be completely heart broken, but for now and even then we deal with issues as they come up and just talk about everything.
Basically what I have learned from the Summer from Hell is, the world keeps going no matter what is happening to you. While lying in my bed one day feeling bad for myself, I heard people out front laughing and joking. It made something click in my head, there was no reason that couldn’t be me!! I could have laid in bed for three days straight and in three days it was still going to be Wednesday and the sun was still going to come out, why shouldn’t I be out there enjoying it? It will take everyone time to get to that point, but the faster you get there the better you will be. Life goes on with or without you, don’t miss out!
Think of every emotion you have ever seen or felt, now multiply that by 1oo!! That pretty much explains how I have been feeling the past months, after finding out we will be leaving our home town of Atwater. My Husband more then likely things I am crazy, and my family just keeps telling me it’s all going to be fine (I think because they have to say that). I have laughed, cried and attempted to pretend like it wasn’t happening then I got over it and realized this is a good thing! It actually went more like snap out of it you freaking baby, you are a grown woman and your kids are watching you to see how to react!!! But either way, I made it to where I am now and I am ready!! (Although I haven’t packed a thing yet..and we leave in less then a month….wait no lets keep the happy thoughts going!!)
I know I have been guilty of saying how much I don’t like Atwater, but when it comes down to it it’s home. I was born here, my children were born here, I went to school here, feel in love here and everything in between. I haven’t even left yet and I get teary eyed driving by the High School knowing my kids will never go there. I keep over eating at all my favorite restaurants like they are closing tomorrow!! Actually putting these things into words makes me feel a tad crazy..I try to remind myself you are only moving! Then I think about my friends and family, man I should have hung out with this person more or I should have enjoyed my family more! Again….you are just moving Liz!!
Why are we moving?? Well my Husband was offered a forever Job he couldn’t turn down! Which is exciting and we are sooo very grateful for this opportunity! (Hear me being excited and happy??) It’s a job he loves, he gets to be around people and talk their ears off. At his old job he was the only employee and I am pretty sure he started talking to himself. Anyone who knows Brian knows he is extremely social (and hairy..lol) so I have no doubt he will thrive at his new job!
Why am I making this into a blog post?? I have decided that since I won’t be around my family everyday since we will be hours (4 hours!!!!?!?!) away that I need to keep them updated more then just on Facebook or a few texts here and there. Also moving gives me a feeling of starting fresh and trying new things! I have always wanted to have my own Blog where I share our stories, trials, and craziness! I will have the chance to start my Photography Business over there and will be sharing that fun here too!! So if you are still reading and don’t think I have completely lost it, stick around because this should be fun!! (Totally serious voice there!)
Where are we moving?? Well this is the fun part! The part that when I made a list of the pros and cons of moving it totally gave the pros the WIN!! It’s beautiful, near a lake and ocean, contains a few of my favorite people, and my Husband won’t have to drive hours to go Hunting or Camping!! Our new Home will be…drum roll please
More on the town later, because there is soooo many things I want to share about Lakeport! It takes us about 3.5 hours to get there unless you count last time when It took me 6 hours to get home!! (That’s a whole other post!) Just wanted to touch basis, give some explanations, say sorry for being a hermit, disappearing and share the news!!! So who wants to help me pack?!?!
P.S. No need to look around the blog this is the only thing on it as of now! Not for long though